[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Thursday, November 3rd, 2005|
i am a genius and no one appreciates me. and no one can change my haughty stuck up outlook (exception of carter). yeah Current Mood: better than you
|Tuesday, October 18th, 2005|
its time for a triumphant return to LJ. as if i could stay away for than a a few months. sorry everyone for living so passionately and then losing everything about it but i think everyone will like my senior quote. and "bastard" by ben folds is most def about me. ive run out of tears for all of this though. what am i gonna do... look at carter still and want to be exactly like him? ameris right about me being fucked up and i really need help i think. i mean, raised with the strongest convictions and i crush them to just be intellectual. bullshit. then i get depressed and liberal. bullshit. then i got relativity. bullshit, i thought i had a sticking a point but mr braithwaite uses that and he wastes my time. if i could say all the things i want i think a lot would be solved but i cant face a really nasty truth. but this song doesnt have anything to do with me but it makes me feel romantic. who doesnt want to be romantic, and no this isnt about "fathers and sons". but it is about fathers and sons. its about me and my dad and everyone else and racism and love and america and death and dungeons and dragons but what am i gonna do, they dont have anything to do with eachother so why do they have to do with me? i have to ask myself whether this is about entropy or absurdity.
has anyone reached a verge of sanity. if you think so much it hapenns. like this, i was thinking about being born in this place and then i almost grasped the concept of absurdity of being born to this person this body and to this life. and my mind felt like it was jumping off a precipice. goddamnit i love this song. no really not like swirling and confused but it just wanted to come out of my head and i fell backward in my seat and i had to go get a drink of water. i didnt think about it again and i dont want to cause my brain was knocking and it wants get out. does it want out because i suck or does it want out because it can work on its on or does it really want suicide.ameri was right. im really fucked up but shes wrong about me being sexy and me having fantasies. i dont have dreams i dont have dreams. i really want to sing for life but im not good enough. ill just never be good enough. but thats what i want. i want to sing for the rest of my life and i want to be involved in something romantic. im back to hurting people with my words and ill apologise when you all make me. and you all take this for all there is to me. there are so many complexities that i cant even put on the page but dont ask because i wont tell but i know im fucked up and laugh or cry or think im mean spirited because im all of those things but is that nothing? it just did it again, the brain thing. leapt about. maybe its just really happy. and back up there i know ive had other billions of philosophies that arent my own. but i dont even know why i choose them and im smiling. this song is good too. Current Mood: frustrated
|Monday, August 8th, 2005|
A Lightining Strike Circa One Mile Off On Monday August 8, 2005 At 10.52 AM That Doesn't Care
One of Those Poems About Light
I remember that once while I
Walked naked to my water closet
In which there is also a shower, I
became a ballroom dance floor for Gayish
Light. but without a doubt...
I must have looked awfully
Ridiculous probably?: head turned left cheek
lifted mouth disgustingly
open to reveal a little
pink tongue trying to lap up photons
You should have been there
When I, with raised foot slightly
Looking askance and staggering backward to keel over
Back thru Nitrogen, Oxygen, certain
Other molecules I could have remembered
During chemistry, and vaccums in between,
Squinted Peculiarity Once Current Mood: wondering if people like this?
|Friday, July 29th, 2005|
To continue Kingsley's story, we must put into words the ideas that have permeated all of human history but never been fully flooded ino the mainstream in 1920 with Einsteins papers on relativity. The obvious next step was hindered in the humanties until a few decades in which authors and writers and thinkers got over the fact of their increasingly chaotic universe. For some reason they were startled by the fact that they could not know the absolute truth and in fact that there was no absolute truth. Of course, existentialism led humanity onward unto the 50s and 60s telling us that the only truth was the one that we made for ourselves. yes this seemed to cover it all didnt it. conciously describing ourselves and our own morals and individual laws! what a wonderful idea. putting us free of blame with an extra facet (that has no bearing with relativity whatsoever) that says those who can not make up their own moralities nor enforce their moralities upon others are weak minded and deserve only to be punished and controlled by those stronger. But the ultimate untold philosophy is relativism. Something not so new as it may seem. Relativism is the idea that at some point (in space or time or both) to some observer something will look totally different than what i might see it as. These words could be all backwards somewhere else in this universe and yet we compromise each day relatively well. So thus saying the word "relatively" after each of your statements of truth is not so foolish. The cereal bowl is certainly on the table to me, relatively. Because i acknowledge that it might be somehwere else or something else to some other observer. but we compromise and it has been there thru out all history. weak are strong and all that. but some things are true for you some of the time. so some people might be right by saying the universe is a paradox because it is a finite universe and yet without boundaries. That seems paradoxical but it is quite alright as long as we realise that may only be true some of the time. If we go yet deeper, we must wonder whether the present is where strands are coming together into a single history so all the possible histories are colliding together and so it is we that bring the strands of alternate histories into one!(sum of histories theory richard feynman) But Kingsley was unknowing of this so it didnt bother him much at all and nor should it bother anyone with their sleeping tonite! Current Mood: kickass
|Tuesday, July 26th, 2005|
Kingsley Tames was a relatively happy tailor and didnt need such things as drugs or sex or books. Kingsley didnt own a single book or novel. He had always thought they were all bunk and he wasnt far from it. I like to speculate had he been introduced to better novels than JD Salinger's Catcher in the Rye and George Orwell's 1984 he would have found literature a much more...well that is rather a very bad guess without any evidence to back it up. Kingsley had remarried twice in his life and divorced his 2nd wife Labia Tames (well now back to Labia Bilts) 2 months ago to the dot. Now circa 5 months previously to the present Kingsley had been in utmost danger of either 1) slitting his wrists 2) hanging himself or 3)(which was foremost to his mind) leaving a nasty blasted head and and the spatterings of the brain on the walls of the apartment which she was to receive out of the settlement. but by now he had realised that libe begins again and with it a renewed sense of apathy. still... Tames speculated while sitting before a torn pair of pants or a ripped shirt what had actually made her leave him. He was awful at sex and its quite alright that this be told because he doesnt care who knows it. But man had he emtied some tension out on her that last nite she still needed to get some from somewhere and she might as well oblige him with one last good fuck right? so he had gotten it out of her but maybe also it mightve been his job. he couldnt satisfy her with a fantastical life of adventure. only old and tired and destroyed pieces of fabric to talk about at the dinner table. There was always question of money. But as Feynman has suggested it is a shared histories in which all contributed. Kingsley received many kicks out of the thought that maybe money and sex and good stories give women orgasms. Yet life as i have said, not for the last time, begins again and Kingsley filled in the time with things just as he filled in the gaps in a blanket with patchwork. Schedule as follows: Wake on Couch in back room and Become Productive-7.46 AM to 8.30 Am; Tail(his special verb) and Interact with Customer-People-8.30 Am to 4.00 Pm (eat lunch when you can); Get Drunk as Fuck-4.00 PM to 9.00 PM; Mixture of Sexual Intercourse and Sleep and Waking up to turn over and find the empty impression of fine figure left on the bed wishing the girl hadnt left him but still enjoying how good she was-9.00 pm to 7.46 Am. Current Mood: envious
|Sunday, July 3rd, 2005|
ive finally returned from northfield where gods are supposedly created but mostly there are just a lot of music majors from what i saw but it was absoloutely fantabulous the music making but sitting around thinking wasnt as fun. id say playing ultimate frisbee and running in to a tree was my first highlight then the next was hanging out with d. eugene orr in his pod and making fun of basketball camp and then singing bohemian rhapsody to get back at the girls in pod 236 and then seeing the pink floyd-dark side of the moon/wizard of oz connection and it was so awesome super tonic is great and i know the st olaf fight song but it was still sad i missed all of you mostly and now im back for 3 days so if anything wants to happen it can happen with me because we can change the world even the universe but lets not get too excited cause charles byrd may be right but only if we have a unified law of physics but this just seems too complicated to me for the uncertainty principle but just because we cant shouldnt worry anyone because uncertainty keeps complete chaos from coming into play as well so im in a wierd mood and im about to start reading V. so i guess i should be ready for some whacky schlemihls and unlucky bunglers.thanks for being so wonderful everyone. Current Mood: wacky
|Monday, June 6th, 2005|
im going to write a book about the lives of my friends during the end times of earth and this universe. Current Mood: weird
|Sunday, May 22nd, 2005|
When I think about how Ive finally seen the last Star Wars I want to cry. So much of life centered around Star Wars once. Remember when once all you wanyed was to be a Jedi and fight Darth Vader. Or maybe you wanted to be a badass little Rogue Squadron Pilot. A Bounty Hunter or a Stormtrooper. It meant so much to my young life and now it seems over and to think about it just makes me want to cry. I really wish Star Wars would never end and I wish life could never end. I want somethings to live forever and id do anything to hold onto somethings god i miss star wars and the magic it brought to my life and the lives of so many others around the world. id just like to say thank you to everyone who means something to me. does anyone else share this i know you all hate my livejournal and all because its such a bunch of bunk and im a hypocrite so you guys can hate me but did anyone else feel like that? i really liked the movie by the way. Current Mood: blah
|Monday, May 16th, 2005|
Total Volume(there is no real volume but...): 2627 songs, 7.5 days, 10.47 GB
Last CD I Bought: Weezer - Make Believe
Last Song I Listened To Before Writing This: Todd Rundgren - Something To Fall Back Upon
Song Playing Right Now: The Chemical Brothers - Close Your Eyes
10 Songs That Mean So Much To Me And Why:
1)Left Right - The Chemical Brothers, This song is without a doubt the best antiwar song ive ever heard. It delves deeper than politics and it really has a good style and i highly recommend the whole album, Push The Button.
2)Close Your Eyes - The Chemical Brothers, This song makes me want to be in love. I knew this would happen that id give my choices away cause i can find stuff to say about all songs i like but The Chemical Brothers are really complex in their musicality and I find their style very unique and special.
3)Tonight, Tonight- Smashing Pumpkins, This song really started me off on the Smashing Pumpkins who I have know come to think are just the greatest and this song gives me hope and love and fills me with desire.
4)1979 - Smashing Pumpkins, This song is so Pumpkins to me and represents a lot of cool feelings and its catchy too.
5)Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins, The whole Siamse dream album really is just so glorious and passionate and this song is very thoughtful. All three of these SP songs have great videos too.
6)Ben Folds - Brick, This song is one of the most depressing songs ever and it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and cry my eyes out but its so hauntingly beautiful.
7)Radiohead - Let Down, This is a really depressing song too and it makes me "emptiness of feelings" and just want to die when i look about at my modern predicament.
8)Radiohead - Vegetable, The Pablo Honey album is my favorite Radiohead album which not a lot of people like but i absoloutely adore it and this song is just an awesome song of not being vegetable and not controlling myself!
9)Radiohead - Thinking About You, Another sad song and its meaningful and i really like Radiohead.
10)Such Great Heights - Iron And Wine, This song i can still remember crying too.
So I want to pass a baton too carter and rich and chad and everyone who loves good music. Current Mood: good
|Thursday, May 5th, 2005|
im not done with all the musicstuffs so ill wait to post on that but first i just cant stand posts that havent been well thought out. matt better make a really great comment to prove his logic about everyone being a racist. thats fucking stupid. oh yes i know im being a hypocrite. because i havent thought this one out very well.
oh by the way, this history ap test might be pretty tuff im thinking
SAVE ME JESUS!!!!
i promise to believe in you! Current Mood: exhausted
|Sunday, April 17th, 2005|
so this week was pretty cool. we had some big controversy which might have destroyed the planet around us but maybe it didnt. i havent looked outside yet. but home is where the rape is. CKUf the radio station was playing some maasic music this morning and i was surprised by the endless possibilities of my and thus my life. what are the outcomes. i could recieve an inschool suspension or a full suspension. or i could fight lewis and the world. but i stayed low while rich fought for human rights and existence. was i too afraid to save myself and the world with what i thought was right. rich saved it for me. but then again im not sure. i could be some dumbass who carter insists has great public speaking skills, is racist, and a dumbass, who david estle wants to kill. what would thomas pychon do? i suppose hed just write a book about the foolish idiot. but im wearing a billy corgan shirt so ill just sing about it. but this postapocalyptic world cant be too bad. cause the flamethrower worked and the crew regatta was cancelled. this coincidentally speeding me faster back into everything that matters and the center of the universe. or maybe it was her that came back. i got gold at weightlifting and i did well. we were sad for corbin because its my fault anyways. we are on the edge of eachothers systems. and the entropy escapes through him. ill explain to anyone who wants to know. its horrid really. were sad for you corbin and were going to destroy the hatred thats making you miserable. but its my fault. cause as im happier, youre worse and vice versa. but ill stop myself. i have to defeat me to win. sparta isnt that good despite what colin tells me constantly. and im not holden caulfield. its just... its just im suave as hell. i dont do that stuff to hookers anyways. i mean, thats pretty ridickless that you would make fun of a hooker like that. just accept the lonliness of your human condition and let her accept hers holden. but im not lonely. im happy mostly. if i just didnt feel that i had something to do with it all. with her and him and him. if only it could have worked out better and the world had been saved. well im gonna try to save it. i am not lucky obzerver. i am just following the decided fabric of time. speeding towards something bigger than myself and you. but rather as big as everyone in our lives and then a bit more. the empty space in between. i speed toward something like that, if you can imagine it, only better. the empty space between objects and thus the time that is not in a straight line. because space is not in a straight line. i will travel to her by time which is space which is not straight. and yet i speed to her directly into happiness and gravitys rainbow. and all my friends too i cant forget. Current Mood: crazy
|Sunday, March 27th, 2005|
so i imagine i will try to do give a brief overview of what all happened over my spring break and more importantly, my outlook on it. livejournal isnt even about what happens to me, its about my outlook on things that have henned to me. its my own personal experience of my life and the events and people surrounding it. and my way is right. just like maddox. oh everyone should read that, its amazing. the article about the eleven worst songs of 2004. god thats hilarious. and its true, every bit of it. bonos glasses are the stupidest fuckingthings ive ever seen. someone should shoot me before i get offensive. so i met the people who were going to spain as i went to the airport wednesday afternoon. after i saw them leave, i was so sad that i had to rea eugene oneills along days journey into night. it was one of the most depressing things ever. it was really intense if you do it in one night. after i finished reading it, we were in minnesotta and i had to be happy so i culd make me family sleep easy. i went to carleton, st olaf, then gustavus adolphus while i was there. they were all nice. we went to the mall of america and everything once we got back to minneapolis. they had a theme park in the mall. i would have splurged had i been a mallcore kinda kid. but im not so i splurged when i got back to the hotel and got to email people from the embassy suites lobby. it snowed a lot by the waywhen i was at gustavus. about 15+ inches. whch is a lot i suppose. um ya ya! its something from st olaf. so i went down to omaha with my dad on sunday and was bored by his uninterestin lecture about how i need to bring my spanish grade up. but english is superior to all other languages and i dont really need to learn anything else. my life is more important than grades anyways. this is affable that im saying this after i was just talking abut college and shit. oh yeah, i still am. oh, i do know that affable doesnt work in that sentence back there. its a special thing. so creighton is a jesuit school and was ver well endowed and id love to go there too. t was really nice. so i went back to savannah monday night and almost died when i found out no one was home. so i sat at home and did nothing all of tuesday. but wednesday i got to be in a car again with my dad all the way down to st port lucie florida. we met my granpap and we ate at bob evans, deep sea fished, caught fish, ate at annies where we met my granmam and then we went to sleep. "thor's"day was when that stuff hapenned mostly uhhhh. this is confusing. friday i went home and got to go home and finally see friends. i went to jalapenos con chad, corbin y matthew. when smitty called, i made fn of him and how he lost his girlfrend to one of the goofiest people in the world!!! then he tried to intimidate me and pushed me around. if i wasnt laughing so hard, i might have thrown his ass out the window. but i didnt, i just played monopoly. i also realized that my school is full of people who are thinkes and good interesting people. while other peope from other schools have fun by making others stck their fingers up their asses and stealing crew equipment on friday nights for kicks. i hate subhumans. and i went to sleep. friday sat around and had to hear my family be annoying. so i evntually got to go again with duncan tom and rich. we wnt to jalapenos....and saw constantne... then i went home and talked to people on the phone. im so happy about things with people. who is people? i think most people who actualy read this will know. but i want to be mysterious. but im not really. im just a nonconformist by being a conformist. that doesnt makes sense. oh yeah i forgot to tell you guys all about the other stuff i read. i read howl by allen ginsberg and it was awesome. and then the snows of kilimanjarois a great short story by hemingway. and it has the best sex line ever. so i think i recapped this vacation fairly well and i might have added entropy to the universe i hope i did. or maybe i just fucked my system. i doubt people will get that. people whould read thomas pynchon too. ts eliot is bullshiting his poems. i figured it out. ok so it was a wild and crazy spring break. i didnt get fucked or smoke or drink anything either. so many goodthings happen. but bad stuff too so dont forget bad thngs can hapenn Current Mood: awake
|Monday, March 14th, 2005|
this past weekend was more or less stupid. some good things happened and some bad/stupid things happened. the "lierary" meet was ok for the boys quartet but my solos were horrible cause i had to learn a whole new song. i stopped in the middle of it. as i said, when i got back on friday i watched constantine and he made it all better. saturday, i went to my church and pickedup a boston ass and then flew to madrigal practice. i had to go to the braswell residence that night to sing in a quartet. then i went out on the town with render, richard and kathryn. they were pretty cool and mr monroe backed into richard and didnt take the blame. it was a bad way to end that whole night. on sunday, i gave my soul to satan and did the madrigal. it was really goofy and i felt embarrassed to do it. at least ive decided to go to a nine inch nails concert and wear the preppiest and metrosexualist clothes i can find. probably a mix between amaresh and chad. hee hee heeeeeeeee. and hopefully ill get dragged on stage and get the shit beat out of me by trent renor himself. i wanna meet john nash. i dont want the spanish trip to go to mexico. its gonna be horribly sad, just like the land before time. oh my god i cried at that. it was so unbelivaeably sad. i take back my thesis and would like to say that this weekend was more laughable and funny. even affable... Current Mood: complacent
|Saturday, March 12th, 2005|
so i saw constantine last night. pretty cool movie. i liked it alright. i went home and i called people on my phone. it was a good night last night. Current Mood: its lou!!
|Thursday, March 10th, 2005|
quizzes are for peopleto think that theyre really witty by making up these totally awesome an unique things to "test" their "friends".
want to test your friends...?
if your friends dont tell you to stick your head up your ass, theyre alright.
if they do, they suck. Current Mood: optimistic
|Monday, February 7th, 2005|
when we pledge of alleigance to the united states of america, we pledge of alleigance to white supremacy and northern europen protestantism morality to be upheld... Current Mood: tee hee- like predator
|Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005|
im so tired of bullshit anwers to my questions about life!
"oh cmon...youll get over it."
"youre just a teenager"
"it could be worse."
so what if it could be worse, so what if i have my whole life ahead of me to retry everything. oh and by the way, i may not have a whole life ahead of me. i could die in a sad car crash and no one would remember me for what I did. my friends might say something but eventually theyd grow up and forget that sad long gone tragedy. i didnt touch anyone the way i wanted to. im reclusive and people think i hate them. i dont wanna hear bullshit answers.
maybe i wanna hear that life really does suck and doesnt have meaning, im not sure. but i dont wanna feel good and just stop thinking about it by going out with friends and feel better trips to best buy, which is what ive tried to do. Current Mood: scared
|Monday, January 31st, 2005|
this weekend was harsh.
on friday, i sat with the most famous living poet and he changed my views on shit and was anawesome speaker and probably is the 2nd coming of christ. i decied to believe in a "god", but thatname is too doctrinated so ll call it the universe. after getting fucked by the poet 3 times, john, carter, chad, corbin, and i went to starbucks and then my house. We watched american history x and i wanted to die after it. when it ended i said "ouch".
on saturday, john and corbin spooned as we watched mean girls (we were still up). that movie was stupid, except for the bus and remington rifle. then john, chad, corbin and i went to sleep. carter ran home to mommy. when we woke up, we read his poorly written note and went to the cafe select (atlanta bread company). i went home afterwards and talked to jessica durham. she invited me to best buy. i got there first. by the time she had made it there, i had gathered my needed supplies: smashing pumpkins dvd, fight club, and american history x. we walked about and talked about good bands. we bought our things and left. we headed over to barnes and noble ad met annum. jackie and jessica talked to her. i tied my shoe and she avoided me. we took her to her mom and met kelsey and khacki at richs. they told me i was hot and i should go to the dance. i dont want to have sex with them. i went home instead of going out with jessica and her friends to dinner. i didnt really have to go home, which is what i lied to jessica, sorry jessica. i really felt like throwing up or crying. when i heard kurt cobain tell me that "its ok to eat fish cause they dont have any feelings", i bawled my eyes out. i went over to corbins for an hour and didnt see requiem for a dream. colin and haley both like katz.
on sunday, my mom told me about how my dad has been being really weird and trying to be with me more often. its because he often thinks that he missed my life cause he was working so hard. i cried about that. i got in a fight with chad.
i cant tell if i wanna die. Current Mood: uncomfortable
|Thursday, January 20th, 2005|
i have decided that i do not want to live in the united states of america whe i get out of college. i have some choices but its gona be really tough to live in europe, which is where id really love to go.
as a fine old send off to Uncle Sam, im going to use democracy (without an electoral college, but rather by popular vote) o find where i should go to live. i want my friends to vote!!!! i want YOU to vote!!!!!! its your goddamn duty. but seriously, please give me a valid opinion by posting?
VOTE OR DIE MOTHA FUCKAS...
by the way~doves is an awesome band (and theyre from england) Current Mood: excited
|Monday, January 17th, 2005|
nirvana is really cool when tey get unplugged. i got that cd and it really is awesome. i suggest everyone gets it by some method, legal or illegal.
martin luther king jr is one of the coolest people ever and his weekend was really kick ass. my friends got together on both friday and saturday. i found out that i really like cowboy beebop, a very aesthetically pleasing show. the final chapter of walden is super and fantastic. haley is really good at basketball.
there was however, the christian band. the people we had at our house kicked me out of my room and told me that all my college choices were really horrible. i wanted to beat their ass. they were bigoted and horrible.
i played a lot of prince of persia to hide from them. i wish that game didnt end so sadly. but at least your a badass in the new one.
i think im dumb, maybe just happy? Current Mood: calm